I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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