I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
