fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Did I show you my penis last night?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
