This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
