look no pants
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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