Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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