he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
