There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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