goodnight i made you a song goodbye
my sisters under your porch take her home
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
