She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
