matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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