Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
