broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
