Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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