hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
