apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
