A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
