remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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