I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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