trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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