i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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