i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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