i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
