guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
