remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
