Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
