The maid of honor just puked.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
