I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
