I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
