hotel room ftw
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
3pm strippers are depressing
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
