mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
