She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
