So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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