R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Are we still banned from the library?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
