my phone needs a breathalizer
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
