the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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