I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
