do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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