Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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