I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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