I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
