Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
