Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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