Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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