I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
