I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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