I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
