Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
