I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i think i have two assholes
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Randomize
