If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
