Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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