Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
